I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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