maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
