Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
