My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
