She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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