Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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