Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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