I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
