but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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