i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
