so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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