grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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