Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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