Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
what day is it and did you see me today?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
