Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
