I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
