Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
