How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
