CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
