My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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