whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
