college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Randomize
