If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
