tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
