Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
There r osticjed everywhere
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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