Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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