Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
