it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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