tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Enjoy the penises
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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