I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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