I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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