So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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