I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
