is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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