Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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