So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
