my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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