Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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