when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
