I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
