My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
