batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
