Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
