youre lurking in front of me
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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