I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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