my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
