I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
