how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
