He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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