I wish I only lived at night.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
