some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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