You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
it's like iHOP with fire
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
