that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
