We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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