I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
