I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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