dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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