He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Shame - the story of my life.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
