Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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