Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
And then my night got REAL pukey
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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