dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize